Are you having a spat?

I suspect most folks do not like to argue.  I know, some people are really good at it, and some people seem to enjoy conflict.  But the vast majority of us would rather not fight with the ones we love.

I am the type of person who wants to stick with a fight/argument/disagreement (pick your favorite term) until it is settled.  I think if I keep after it, my logic and desires will surely prevail.

So I was very interested to learn about some research on arguing from  The Gottman Institute   In case you don't know the Institute, or its founder John Gottman, it is a research center in Seattle.  They have an apartment set up with microphones and cameras, and couples go stay for the weekend.  While they are there, their actions and interactions are recorded, then studied. 

When people argue, they get anxious or upset, and  their heart rate increases.  The Gottman researchers found that if your heart rate is over 100 beats per minute, you cannot think flexibly, negotiate, or solve problems very well.  So they suggest that couples take a break from each other and the issue - say 15 minutes or so - and come back together at a designated time to resolve the issue.  This break allows the heart rate to go down, the mind clears a bit, and makes resolving problems easier.  Couples that practice this "time out" technique have more successful problem resolutions.

So... folks like me who want to stick with the disagreement until it is worked out are actually being counter productive.  We need to step away, take a walk, water the plants, do the dishes, whatever works.  Then, at an agreed time, come back together to work on the problem.

In my work with couples, I often talk with them about taking a break during an argument, and it does seem to make a difference.  If you try this, I would love to know how it works for you.  You can leave me a comment on this post, or contact me through my website www.CynthiaMcKennaCounseling.com  or drop me an email:  Email Cynthia McKenna

Comments

[Ann at Vermont Shortbread Company]

What great advice! This advice seems rather common-sense, but hearing about the research behind it (increased heart rate leading to inability to think logically)makes me more likely to follow it. Of course, when you're in the middle of a spat, it can be challenge to detach...but it's clearly when it's the most important.

Thanks for sharing this helpful tidbit.

Ann Zuccardy,
Vermont Shortbread Company