How honest are you?

There are different kinds of honesty - I think. 

There is the, "You gave me too much change" kind of honesty.  I recently heard a story on NPR about a homeless man finding thousands of dollars and giving it back - I believe he was richly rewarded.

There is the person who has strong boundaries and says, "No, I don't want to do that" when invited to something they don't want to do - the "don't mince words" kind of honesty.

Then there is honesty between partners - and while this seems clear cut - "It is good to be honest with your partner" it can get a little less clear cut.

I don't always say I am upset about something when I feel annoyed with my partner.  I choose, for good or for ill, to say things are "fine." 

Maybe I am acting childish and not wanting to admit it.  Maybe it isn't worth the energy to say, "I feel really mad right now because ..."  Maybe I just don't want to have a confrontation about a subject and I imagine my truth telling would cause hurt feelings.

Is this dishonest?  Is it the normal blurry navigation between people who love each other? 

How do you deal with this?  I would love to know.  You can write a comment using the tab underneath this post - or send me an email.

What constitutes honesty in a relationship? How important is complete honesty to you? 

Cynthia
*************
Creating Peace
www.cynthiamckenna.com
www.counseling.typepad.com

Comments

[Dina]

I don't SAY I'm upset when I'm upset, but I make it clear by throwing out my negative vibes, that things are not right in my head. Actually I can't help the "bad vibes", they just spill out.

Then I retreat for either some physical activity or just some alone time behind the wheel of my car. (I know - you're not supposed to drive when you're angry or upset, but hey - I'm a risk taker that way).

What ends up happening, is that after a few hours I have a more objective perspective on the situation and am more able to say whether my emotions were justified. Then, I decide whether or not I should be honest with my partner about whatever was irking me. And usually I try to view the situation from an objective point (which is impossible for me when I'm being emotional, hence the reason for the chosen silence).

Cynthia, I do agree with you, that there is some boundary blurring when it comes to honesty in a long-term relationship. And I'm puzzled by it. Maybe timing is a factor too. You can choose to be honest, but maybe just be mindful of WHEN you share your thoughts. That can lessen the heat of the moment and help to choose words more carefully... words that allow us to express our needs without offending our partners in the process.