The Satellite Sisters & Me

Recently, I was a caller on The Satellite Sisters show on XM radio.  There was a report in a major publication - my memory is that it was the Wall Street Journal - stating that couples should tell their partners that they were thinking about having an affair.

The Satellite Sisters had a difficult time with this because they thought it would be too hurtful to hear that your partner was considering an affair. 

I asked them to compare the pain of, "I am thinking of having an affair" vs. "I have had an affair."

Both scenarios are difficult, but the first asks for intimacy in the primary relationship.  "Here is what I am feeling, thinking - can we talk this through and work this out?" 

In the second scenario, the damage is done.

Here is the thing:  if you talk about something important like fears and feelings, you bring more intimacy into your relationship - even if the intimacy is painful.

If someone is contemplating having an affair and chooses not to talk about it with their partner, or a trained professional (like a clergy person or counselor) they take the opportunity to solve the issue out of the primary relationship. 

They take their intimate thoughts and feelings into another relationship - they don't offer their partner space or time to help work it out. 

That is where some of the damage is done.  The lying, hiding, etc., as well as the betrayal of the relationship bond adds layer upon layer to the damage. 

Many couples experience infidelity.  In my opinion, it does not have to be the end of the relationship.  For many couples, there is a way through an affair to a stronger relationship.

So, readers, do you agree with the Satellite Sisters - don't tell because it will hurt?  Or, do you agree with me, or even have a different viewpoint? 

Please leave your comments below (on the comment tab).

Cynthia McKenna
www.cynthiamckenna.com

Comments

[Dina]

What if you didn't quite say it that way:

"I'm thinking about having an affair" sounds so much more severe than...

"We haven't been close lately. I feel like there are communications issues with us. I've developed a friendship with a (male/female/other) from (work/volleyball/church/the bar) and I'm feeling some attraction toward them. You are my (husband/wife/partner) and I have devoted my life to you. I don't like having the feelings I'm having and I want to fix what's gone wrong between us. I want to feel that attraction to you like we once had..."

(Something like that?)

Boy Cynthia- how'd you suck me into this one? ;)

[Cynthia McKenna LPC, NCC]

Dina,
I agree with you. I don't think I wrote this out the way I intended. No, you probably wouldn't say, "Hey honey, I think I'll have an affair this afternoon."

But I do think the point is to talk about the feelings and underlying issues before the affair - because I really think there will be less to heal than if it is disclosed (or discovered) after the fact.
Cynthia