The Occasional Newsletter - April 2007

Dear Ones,

The following paragraphs offer some reflection on the Virginia Tech killings. I am mindful that some of you would rather not read anything more about the tragedy. I wanted to give you a heads-up to skip this part of the newsletter if you need to. There is an article on compatibility in the next section. CM

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The events of the past week have left a residue of sadness on us all. You may be feeling angry at the senseless violence or sad for the suffering of the families. Perhaps these killings reminded you of the grief from 9-11, or the Oklahoma City bombing, or Columbine.

We might find ourselves thinking a lot about the students, or even about the killer - trying to understand why and how this could happen. These are all normal and predictable reactions to tragedy.

Sometimes, when we are exposed to tragedy, on TV, radio, Internet, newspaper, we have trouble getting rid of the images we have seen.

People who care about others sometimes find themselves carrying thoughts and images of the trauma longer than they expected - and maybe longer than they want to. If you feel that you have been strongly effected by the killings, you might be experiencing Secondary Trauma - also known as Vicarious Trauma.

The symptoms of secondary trauma include: changes in sleeping and eating, trouble focusing, anger, anxiety, fatigue, invasive thoughts about the killings, withdrawing from others, trouble making decisions, and exhaustion.

We are more susceptible to secondary trauma if our self-care is "out of balance." If you are experiencing several of these symptoms, you will want to check to see if you are getting a good balance of work and play, solitude and social interaction, healthful eating, and regular exercise. It is likely that you will find one or more areas that could use some attention.

When we neglect our self-care, we leave ourselves vulnerable to many effects of stress, including secondary trauma. By focusing on your own health, and that of your loved ones, you will help reduce the impact of this trauma.

Here is a link to an interview I did on PTSD and secondary trauma. Author Melody Beattie is first - talking about grief, and my interview is the second half of the show.

Grief, Post Traumatic Stress, and Secondary Trauma

Please contact me if I can help you with these issues.

Cynthia
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How do you know if you two are a good match?

This is a photo of Andy and his beloved. Andy is a very fine parrot, who was visiting Boerne recently. During his stay, Andy became infatuated with this shiny Swingline stapler. Andy treated the stapler like a potential girlfriend, and performed various acts meant to attract her attention. Unfortunately for Andy, his affection was not returned.

When my friend Charlie told me about Andy and his new love, it reminded me of the many times we enter into relationships with people who are not really a good match for us. There are many reasons for this, including getting "caught up" in the rush of feelings that can accompany dating and falling in love. In the midst of this wave of good feelings, we can overlook some very important issues that can dramatically alter the health of the relationship.

Here are a few important questions to ask...

How does your partner handle anger? Does she talk about her feelings, pout, yell? Does she throw things, hurt herself or others?

Does your partner have a lot of debt? Where did the debt come from? Is there a problem with impulsive purchases and overspending?

How is your partner's relationship with his own family? Do they get along? Does your partner like his parents/siblings? If not, why?

Is there any history of abuse - verbal, physical, sexual? Has your partner had counseling to help resolve these issues?

What are her friends like? Are they people you would choose for friends? Why or why not?

If you would like to read the entire article, or would like to pass it on to someone who is in a new relationship, just send me an email and I will send you, "Questions to ask before you say, "I Do" -

Send your email request to: cmck@gvtc.com
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Photo courtesy of Charles Kegley at the Bella Creo Gallery in Boerne

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Cynthia McKenna, LPC, NCC
Counseling
Healing relationships
www.cynthiamckennacounseling.com
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