CounselingBlog

Recovering from Secondary Trauma

Many folks have posted comments and/or sent emails about their reactions to Linda Muegge's murder. It is at times like this that i love the internet and blogging. Strangers and friends can connect and be a support system for each other - it is very powerful.

This morning, I read an email from an Austin friend who is troubled by the Fort Worth woman who killed her children and then herself. First, who wouldn't be troubled by this - it is an awful story. We don't expect mothers to hurt their children, let alone kill them.

Our minds like to make logical connections - that is part of the beauty of our brains. But when we are presented with this kind of violence and tragedy, it is impossible to make sense of it.

The tenderness in our hearts feels grief and sadness for the children and for the extended family that must now live with this as part of their family story.

We ache, because of the suffering. And our mind may give us graphic images of how we think it happened, again, trying to make sense of it all.

Our tendency, when we are faced with something horrible, is to try NOT to think about it. It is our basic instinct. However, Post Traumatic Stress experts tell us that what we need to do is allow ourselves to think about the tragedy, feel our many emotions, talk about our thoughts and feelings, and also take good care of ourselves in terms of healthy living (eating right, exercising, etc).

By allowing our brain to do its own healing work - in this case, to think about the tragedy, we actually take some of the power out of the thought. We release some of the energy by not bottling it up.

Many people seek counseling after a tragedy, and I am wholeheartedly in favor of that. You have a need to talk about the events, and your family members or friends may not be able to listen. It may be too disturbing for them.

A counselor is trained to help you heal. Many counselors, myself included, use specialized therapies to aid in the trauma processing. EMDR is often very effective when you are traumatized, and it can desensitize the thoughts or memories fairly quickly.

Severe trauma, (and PTSD) can come from many sources including: violent crimes such as rape, incest, robbery, assault, murder, car accidents, accidents at work, unexpected death of a close friend or relative, fire, natural disasters such as tornadoes and hurricanes.

Secondary or vicarious trauma can happen when you are traumatized by what you see, hear, or read, and it can be just as troubling as experiencing the trauma firsthand.

If you are haunted by tragedy, there is help available. Find a counselor in your area who specializes in trauma. If you are in the San Antonio, Boerne, Fredericksburg, Kerrville, Bandera, Helotes, or Bulverde area, you are welcome to call me to set up an appointment.

You don't have to go through this alone.
Cynthia

*************
Cynthia McKenna Counseling
www.cynthiamckennacounseling.com
210-557-1715

One week later - still no new information

It has been a week now since Linda Muegge was killed. Her funeral was lovely and the church was packed - that was a nice tribute all in itself.

I had a chance to drive past her former home on the way out of town - it was so much worse than I had imagined. Truly a burnt out shell of the lovely home it had been. It was lifeless, and surrounded with that yellow crime scene tape.I keep wishing someone would tell me what happened. But as far as I know, the investigators really don't know - I hope they find answers soon.

This just sucks.

There are so many mementos of Linda around my house. The table on the screened porch was the product of a shopping day we had at the Fredericksburg Market Days. I have a CD she gave me playing during many of my therapy session (Deva Premal in case you are interested). Little memories, photos, bits of a lively woman who had her life taken from her.

Many folks have come across this blog in searching for info on Linda - If you are just surfing by, looking for info, I welcome your thoughts and comments - just click the "comment" button at the bottom of this post and you'll be guided through a little form.

The counselor in me wants to say that writing out your thoughts, and talking about your grief, can really help.

The "friend of Linda" in me wants to say, "I am so sorry for us all - this is just terribly sad."

There are many stages of grief - you probably know them: denial, anger, depression, bargaining, and acceptance. Despite what Kubler-Ross said, grief doesn't always come in that orderly way. It takes its own time, and depending on our own personal coping styles and emotional health - it leaves in its own time too.

I am still in denial - or disbelief. It doesn't make sense to me, and my brain keeps trying to find some logic to something that is simply not logical. I have felt very sad too - depression? maybe. But I think feeling down after a friend dies makes a whole lot of sense.

I started CounselingBlog to help get the word out about counseling, to help my readers get through life's challenges. I am writing about my own grief now in hopes that it will be helpful.

Say, "I love you," to the people you love. It is worth doing. It is worth cherishing the time you have together.

Cynthia
*************
Cynthia McKenna, LPC, NCC
Healing relationships - one heart at a time
www.cynthiamckennacounseling.com
CounselingBlog

Very Sad News

Yesterday, I learned that a family friend died - not just died, but apparently murdered. Our friend, Linda Muegge, was killed on Monday.

i can't begin to tell you how shocking this is. It is disturbing, and frightening and sad. And I feel so sorry that my friend suffered - argh. It makes me angry and weepy all at once.

There aren't many details, no motive or suspects - just tragedy.

I haven't ever known someone who has been murdered. I have worked with lots of trauma - from all the years working with sexual abuse survivors. But this is personal, and awful. I do know that people are killed everyday - all over the world there are murders.

But it is still difficult to comprehend.

Cynthia

I feel so emotional...

When you have a surge of emotions - positive, negative, whatever, do you tend to express them or keep them inside?

Both extroverted and introverted emotional responses have a place - we can't all be saying everything we feel all the time. But neither can we have healthy relationships if we hide or bury everything we feel.

in some relationships, one person is much more emotive than the other - and it works out for both. If one of you gets really worked up over things and the other of you tends to "go with the flow" you can be a really happy balance for each other.

What we should be mindful of, however, is to check that our emotions do not crowd out others or keep them from expressing feelings or emotions that are different from our own.

You can see this when one person has explosive emotions, and these outbursts can leave little room for any other feelings. I also see it when the introverted person is so uncomfortable with expressing emotions that he/she tries to squash any emotions that feel bad - their own emotions or those of others.

(squash is the new term for control)

Anger is normal, sadness is normal, being cranky is normal - we all feel these things sometimes. Being a healthy human means having a full range of emotional responses to our environment.

Our society isn't very good at making space for healthy emotional expressions. We are "embarrassed" to cry in public, we can accept an angry man but get really uncomfortable if a woman expresses anger. If someone is having a bad day people are inclined to say, "cheer up" or worse yet, "why don't you smile?"

More discomfort with strong emotions...

People who are grieving or recovering from a trauma are generally given a limited amount of time to heal and then they are expected to get back to normal - 2 weeks is about average, I think.

Perhpas this post should be two posts - one on expressing emotions and another on gaining a more realistic understanding of grief and trauma - for now they are in one, probably because they are related in my mind.

So, what is your emotional temperature today? and, how do you react to the emotions of others?

Cynthia
************
Cynthia McKenna, LPC, NCC
Cynthia McKenna Counseling
www.cynthiamckennacounseling.com

Sunday at home

Happy Mother's Day - here are some lovely bluebonnets I found yesterday while walking around the property

aka Lupinus texensis for you Latin lovers

Cynthia
*************
Cynthia McKenna Counseling
Healing relationships - one heart at a time
www.cynthiamckennacounseling.com

Hello from "Big D"

I am in Dallas this week, taking an interesting continuing education class on sexual compulsivity (also known as sexual addiction). I have done work in this area, but this week's conference is helping me put a lot of the pieces together. I love doing continuing education, it always translates to helping my cleints heal. There are some therapists who specialize in sexual addiction, I doubt that I'll get that certification, but I will definitely take some more classes. I'll write more about sexual addiction after the workshop is over.

My plan for this trip was to write in the evenings so I can meet some important deadlines. But American Idol was on both Tuesday & Wednesday...and I had to watch. I have never watched American Idol before this season, and it has been fun. I am enjoying the high performance level of the finalists, and have my fingers crossed that my fav, Melinda, will win.

I am a bit self-conscious admitting that I watch AI, but it is a great break from my busy day and it is entertaining. I owe this new love of AI to my friends Michelle and Patrick - thanks guys! Whatever "it" is about AI, it is definitely addicting.

Besides American Idol, I have been enjoying some really delicious meals. I had the world's best crab cakes on Tuesday from Oceanaire, and a splendid steak last night. I don't eat a lot of meat, but sometimes, I crave a big fat steak. It was delicious - a small filet with a reduction sauce and garlic mashed potatoes. The steak was topped with onion threads - can't describe them except to say they were extremely thin, crispy shreds of onion. yum.

time to go to class. Hopefully I'll get some writing done tonight.

Or not!