CounselingBlog

Waiting & Watching...

When we want a relationship to work, it is normal to try to overlook faults and habits that annoy us, because after all, we all have flaws.

I have met many people, women and men, who are in a lot of emotional pain because they have "tried to overlook" a problem in the name of trying to get along. So how are you supposed to know what is okay and what is not?

Here are 5 tips to help you identify true red flags:

1. If the issue or problem violates who you are or your core values - do not overlook this.

2. If the problem puts you in emotional or physical danger, do not ignore it.

3. If the issue puts your children at risk, you have to take action. I am not just talking about the risk of abuse or neglect - both terribly important issues and hopefully the need for action is clear. I am also talking about risk of your children losing their self-esteem. Sometimes, adults can act in ways that damage children's spirits - their souls. Even if your child says he or she is "okay" and has "forgiven" the transgression, it is a parent's job to protect their children. People do make mistakes, but if your son or daughter is consistently picked-on by adults or siblings, it is your responsibility to notice and help resolve the situation.

4. If there are addictions that are not being treated or addressed through counseling or 12-step programs, trouble is ahead. Addictions develop because there is deep pain. The person with the pain tries to cover it up with drugs, alcohol, sex, shopping, etc. Somtimes, this covering-up is a conscious decision, sometimes it is not. However, all addictive behavior should be a red flag.

5. If your intuition tells you that something is wrong or even if you get the sense that things, "aren't right," you should listen to your internal wisdom. Intuition is truly a gift, an internal way of knowing what is good and what is not - we do ourselves a huge favor by listening to our own inner-knowing.

and a bonus tip :)

6. If you are waiting and hoping that the person will change, you might have a long wait. No one likes to change, and change frequently requires great effort and focus. It is reasoable to ask yourself, "What if this behavior does NOT change, am I willing to live with it for the next 20 years?"

Cynthia
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Cynthia McKenna Counseling
www.cynthiamckennacounseling.com
CounselingBlog

Clutter - Power Sessions - Book Recommendations

This is my latest newsletter - called The Occasional Newsletter. I have had a LOT of response to the information, so I wanted to provide it to my blog friends who might not be on the newlsetter mailing list.

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The Occasional Newsletter

Greetings,

Welcome to all the new subscribers!

I am doing some spring cleaning this week - summer cleaning actually. I have filled several garbage bags with things I no longer need or want. This type of cleaning-out gives me a sense of fresh, open space. It is almost as if the air is cleaner.

Feng Shui is the ancient Chinese practice of placement and arrangement of space to achieve harmony with the environment. Experts in Feng Shui say that clutter takes energy away - clutter actually drains our energy. It certainly feels as if that is true. I think it is also true that clearing out clutter creates space for something new. Not necessarily more stuff, but space for creative energy and clarity of thought.

Look around your environment. Are there things that you could clear out, throw away, or pass on to a thrift shop? Are there books you no longer want that could go to the library or local book sale? In clearing out excess "stuff" what possibilities and ideas might fill the space you create?

Take care,
Cynthia

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New Power Sessions Available

Beginning in August, I am offering Power Sessions as an option for my clients.

Several of my clients have been requesting longer counseling sessions. Some clients are doing 2 or 3-hour sessions and I have had requests for half-day and full-day marathon work.

Why would anyone want 3-8 hours of therapy?
The longer time frame can allow us to work at a deeper level and cover more ground.

Couples frequently want and need to work for several hours at a time. This gives each partner a chance to be heard and also time for issues to be resolved in the session.

Why do most therapists only offer 50-minute sessions?
Insurance companies are at the root of the 50-minute session. Insurance companies typically pay for a 50-minute session, so that is what therapists offer. I have colleagues who offer 45-minute sessions.

The purpose of my counseling practice is to provide you with physical and emotional space to work through the issues that challenge you. I do not think it is right for insurance companies to dictate session length, so I will continue to tailor session structure to your needs.

So what session formats are available?
60-minute individual sessions
90-minute individual sessions
120-minute individual or couple sessions
3 or 4-hour session - individual or couple
8-hour full day sessions - individual or couple

I am also considering offering Couples Weekend Intensives - a retreat for two or three couples to include therapy and time for relaxation and reflection.

Let me know if Power Sessions interest you and we'll talk about how they might support our work together.

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Book Recommendations

At the RESToration Retreat, I had a lot of requests for book recommendations - here are some that you might be interested in - if you click on the title, it will take you to Amazon.com

Taming Your Gremlin: A surprisingly simple method for getting out of your own way

Finding Your Own North Star: Claiming the life you were meant to live

The Joy Diet: 10 Daily Practices for a Happier Life

Exuberance: The passion for life

How You Can Survive When They're Depressed

A Survival Guide for Working with Humans: Dealing with whiners, back-stabbers, know-it-alls, and other difficult people

Happy Reading!

Cynthia
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Cynthia McKenna Counseling
www.CynthiaMcKennaCounseling.com

All About Me

Recently, a client told me about a book called, All About Me.    All About Me invites you to reflect on personal preferences - likes and dislikes, make personal judgments, and even asks some ethical questions.

Why would this book be helpful?

Sometimes, in relationships, one partner has a tendency to "give in" to what the other partner wants/likes.  It can be simple like not choosing the restaurant you really want to go to, to complex when power and control come into play in a relationship. 

Sometimes couples differ in terms of their personality strength and also in their need to have things their own way.  In the best relationships,  couples work through these differences and make conscious efforts to share the power and  decision making.

In some relationships, the power is not shared.  If you are the person who feels like you don't get to do the things you want to do, or if you feel you need to "go along to get along" you can actually lose sight of your own likes and dislikes.  You can also build up a lot of resentment, but that is another post...

All About Me can be really helpful for a person who has been giving in, or giving up his/her own desires in order to please another.  It is a workbook for adults.  You have the opportunity to think about and write about what YOU really like.  That sounds simple enough, but some of the questions can be really challenging.

I can see this book being a great gift for a student heading off to college.  What a great way to get in touch with your own needs and desires before being challenged by the complexities of university atmosphere.

I think this book would be helpful for someone who has recently had a break-up or divorce.  There is typically a lot of self examination following a breakup, and think All About Me would be a wonderful way to support your own healing.

Or, if you simply enjoy self-exploration, you can have some fun making decisions that reflect who you really are, inside, and when you bump up against a tough question, you can be curious about why that particular question challenges you.

I hope you'll check this out, and I would love to know your thoughts on the book.

Cynthia
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Cynthia McKenna Counseling
www.cynthiamckennacounseling.com
CounselingBlog

Rain!

We've had about 10 inches of rain since yesterday morning - we are soggy. There are about 100 road closures in San Antonio and this blogger is staying home today.

I was out looking at all the water a bit earlier, and there is a newly forming pond under an oak tree - it seems so odd to see puddles forming on a hillside - but it is quite lovely.

Hurricane Dean is heading this way in a few days - I think I need to buy some wellies

Cynthia - in the soggy Texas Hill Country
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Cynthia McKenna Counseling
www.cynthiamckennacounseling.com
CounselingBlog

At long last...

That is me with the great folks from the Apple Store at La Cantera - in case you are wondering, I heart my iPhone

iCynthia
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Cynthia McKenna Counseling
www.cynthiamckennacounseling.com
CounselingBlog

Singletasking Monday - An Update

I actually did fairly well on Singletasking Monday.

I had one melt-down at the bank drive-through that involved trying to put the tube back in the chute, retrieve my drivers license and not have to get out of the car - it wasn't pretty and included me dropping most of the contents of my wallet on the ground in the drive-through. Other than that - I was fairly good at doing one thing at a time. Here is what I noticed:

I ate more slowly because I was only eating, not eating and doing something else.

I enjoyed my food more, including my ever-present string cheese snacks

I was very tempted to answer the cell phone when it rang while I was driving - but I did not.

I only checked email a couple of times, and that was great.

I felt happier inside because I wasn't feeling spread thin.

I paid more attention to conversations - and noticed that I got more out of them.

I tried for single tasking Tuesday and did fine too - However, Singletasking Wednesday was a dismal failure. I was Ms. Multitasker all day- perhaps only singletasking while getting my hair cut and while seeing a client this afternoon - the rest of the time I have been doing at least two things at once.

But, as Scarlet says, "Tomorrow is another day" and I will give singletasking another go.

I frankly enjoyed the feeling of being present and actually paying attention to what I was doing.

Imagine that!!

Cynthia
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Cynthia McKenna Counseling
www.cynthiamckennacounseling.com

Singletasking Monday is Here!

We lose quite a bit of productivity by multi-tasking, and the ripple effect of that lack of mindfulness can be felt in our relationships too. Have you ever wanted to talk to your partner but he was clued to the computer screen. He was giving you attention - sort of - but it did not feel like you were valued.

Have you ever been on the phone with someone who was obviously doing something else while you two talked? She was in the conversation, but not fully.

Tim Sanders has challenged us all to stop the insanity of multi-tasking and single-task today. Do one thing at a time and do it whole-heartedly.

Are you up for the challenge? I am frankly a bit daunted by it. I multi-task a lot and so I am going to have to be very intentional about how I work today.

My challenge is increased by the presence of my new iPhone - talk about the perfect toy - er-phone.. Today I will only use my iPhone when I am doing nothing else. Not while I am watching the news, not when I am cooking.

Also, like a lot of folks, I leave my email open all day - so I can check on messages as they arrive. However, today, I am going to close the email program and check the emaill when I have time to devote to it.

I feel a sense of excitement about singletasking. There is something deep within me that says "this is the way we should live"

Good luck to you!! Let me know how your day goes.
Cynthia

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Cynthia McKenna Counseling
www.cynthiamckennacounseling.com
CounselingBlog

Unkind Words

As promised, here is another great blog post from Tim Sanders. This post holds an important lesson. There is a difference between showing empathy and putting your foot in your mouth.

I hope you'll read, "Don't Say an Unkind Word to Help"

And Tim Sanders, if you happen to read this, I really appreciate your honesty and transparency in your writing.

Cynthia

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Cynthia McKenna Counseling
www.cynthiamckennacounseling.com
CounselingBlog

Spend a day singletasking

I subscribe to several blogs - and one of my favorite blogs is called "Sanders Says."
It is written by Tim Sanders, who used to be a major creative force at Yahoo, and now tours the country helping people, especially business people, be better in work and in personal life. He is a very inspiring guy.

I want to send you two of Tim Sanders posts - one today, and another over the weekend. I hope you enjoy reading them. The first post is a call to mindfulness called "Spend a day Singletasking"

Here is to Singletaqsking Monday
Cynthia

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Cynthia McKenna, LPC, NCC
Cynthia McKenna Counseling
www.cynthiamckennacounseling.com