CounselingBlog

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Surviving Summer Vacations

The heat of summer is here (at least in Central Texas) - that means couples and families are taking vacations.  For many people, vacations sound great, but they don't always turn out as good as we had hoped. 

I'll be bringing you some vacation survival tips to help you get the most out of your trip with, hopefully, the least amount of stress.

Today's tip:  Talk about your expectations

If you think a great vacation isspent sleeping on the beach and reading good books, but your traveling companion imagines a week of surfing, trips to the aquarium, and deep sea fishing, you could have a problem.  It is really helpful to talk about what you want to do and what would be fun for you.  

What can happen  is that one partner is more vocal and things tend to go her/his way.  That means one of you is having a blast and the other is longing to be heard and to do what they want to do.

It would be better if  you can both get your needs met and feel really good about your time away.  Maybe you can designate some days as days apart - and you can each do what suits you, with other days spending time together on some agreed activity - or inactivity :)

If you are traveling with kids, it is worthwhile to talk about their expectations too.  What do they really want to do most of all?  What part of the trip is worrisome?  This feedback can help you do better planning and makes for happier families.

Happy traveling,

Cynthia

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www.cynthiamckennacounseling.com

www.counselingblog.com

Society isn't always the best teacher

Our society doesn't really support healthy boundaries.  Here are a few examples:

~Saying "no" might hurt someone's feelings (so you need to take care of their needs rather than your own)

~TV and Film don't model healthy boundaries - maybe unhealthy boundaries make a good plot line

~People who have firm (not rigid) boundaries are often tagged as mean or witchy - particularly women.

~Sexuality is often portrayed as a manipulative tool to get what you want as opposed to a loving expression between two adults

~I can't think of a show or movie that really lauds good boundaries - maybe the Walton's...

If you have seen something in the mainstream media that encourages a good sense of self, and good boundaries, I would love to hear about it.  Please post in the comments section below.

Cynthia

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www.cynthiamckennacounseling.com

Can You Inherit Unhealthy Boundaries?

If you have trouble saying no to people, if you find that you give TMI to people you barely know, you might want to give some attention to your own boundaries.

However, it is also reasonable to ask, "Why don't I have healthy boundaries?"

The short answer is that boundaries reflect your own sense of self and your self-esteem.  Both of these are formed very early in our lives.  Some kids aren't give a strong sense of self, self control, self esteem - but why?

If the parents don't have great self-esteem, it is pretty difficult for them to give their kids good self esteem.  If the parents have blurry boundaries, they teach their kids to have blurry boundaries.

The thing is, no one does this on purpose.  Parents do the very best they can.  But if your parents did not give you the boundary strength you needed as a child, you can absolutely learn how to have healthier boundaries as an adult.  

Cynthia

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www.cynthiamckennacounseling.com

Saturday Photo

Unhealthy Boundaries

• Trusting no one - trusting anyone - black and white thinking

• Telling all

• Talking at intimate level on first meeting

• Falling in love with a new acquaintance

• Falling in love with anyone who reaches out

• Being overwhelmed by a person - preoccupied

• Acting on first sexual impulse

• Being sexual for partner, not self

• Going against personal values or rights to please others

• Not noticing when someone else displays inappropriate boundaries

• Not noticing when someone invades your boundaries

• Accepting food, gifts, touch, sex that you don't want

• Touching a person without asking

• Taking as much as you can get for the sake of getting

• Giving as much as you can give for the sake of giving

• Allowing someone to take as much as they can from you

• Letting others direct your life

• Letting others describe your reality

• Letting others define you

• Believing others can anticipate your needs

• Expecting others to fill your needs automatically

• Falling apart so someone will take care of you

• Self abuse

• Sexual and physical abuse

• Food abuse

(original source unknown)

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Cynthia McKenna

www.cynthiamckennacounseling.com

Boundaries - some resources

More on Boundaries next time

Cynthia

The ability to say, "No"

I talk a lot about healthy boundaries with my clients.  We talk about the ways they can take better care of themselves in relationships.  There is a ton of information on the internet about boundaries, and while I was surfing just now, I came across this very good description and thought you might like to check into it   

Developing Healthy Boundaries by Maggie Down

I'll be writing more about boundaries in the days to come, but thought this would give you a good start. Our culture doesn't encourage us to use our intuition, to say "no" to things we don't like or disagree with, to take care of our own selves before we take care of others.  But pursuing healthier boundaires can really simplify your life and bring you greater joy.

more next time

Cynthia

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www.cynthiamckennacounseling.com

www.counselingblog.com